Yesterday, I shared with you a devotion written by Lisa Whittle. She is a very transparent person and shares her transparency on her blog www.lisawhittle.blogspot.com which I enjoy very much. After reading her blog and devotion, I was searching through some documents on my computer in search of something totally different and came across a journal from a very dark time in my life. I thought in the light of realness, I'd share it with you:
We watched a video at church yesterday and one sentence stood out to me that was over the head of a woman - “avoids relationships for fear of pain”. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfeXxkbgCVE) I am that woman. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I have broken most all of my relationships with friends and family. Those still intact only consist of surface conversations and smiles. My intimacy with my husband is gone because I fear intimacy with anyone. It only gives them more of an opportunity to hurt me. Of course people have hurt me over the years – everyone gets hurt but the last five years seem like the hurt was constant between friends, church, family and husband. Getting angry and walking away is my learned defense mechanism. It is all I know now. I don’t know how to overcome this. I don’t know how to trust again. I don’t know how to let anyone in. I feel like my heart has shriveled up and has nothing to sustain it. I avoid sharing my feelings because it only leads to being hurt once again. I can’t endure any more pain. I used to be a loving, compassionate, gentle person who enjoyed people but I now see people as something to avoid. My husband asks where this person has gone, but I don’t know what to tell him. I want superficial relationships so I can be in control. It is not fair to those around me but I don’t know how to change. I am happy as long as I don’t think about or talk about my feelings. When they are brought up, I run or sleep – anything to get away. I have to release my mind and heart from the pain somehow. The pain of loosing so much, was a lot for me to handle so I didn’t. I pushed everything down so deep that it couldn’t hurt me any more. In my mind, it seems like I did so much for good, but all those around me saw it as negative. My heart wanted to be serving God, but I don’t think my actions always showed it to those around me.
My heart broke as I read the words that I had written. I thank God that He has pulled me a long way from that place but I know that there are many who still are in that very dark place that I was in. It is time for us all to share the dark places in our lives so that we can comfort those who are there.
Keep it real today